Day 14 Thoughts

Ok...got that one done.....now....plans and thoughts.

Thoughts first........People....like everyone seems to be totally surprised that I'm doing this trip alone. And i guess at the beginning i was surprised i was doing it by myself as well. But now that I'm here...its no big deal....i guess.....I mean i miss everyone, i miss going to my gym, running on my routes, sleeping in my bed, having a shower everyday!.....and stuff like that. But its a good thing....its an experience. The guy that i was talking to last night said some great things.....he said....what your doing is amazing, and you'll look back and go wow.....and i said, ya i know....but right now......it doesn't feel like such a big deal...the experiences and things I've done......doesn't seem that grand. But its because I'm here, right now in it. When i look back it will be even better....more memorable.....if that makes sense......he said....yep...so have fun and enjoy the ride! (it would be easier to enjoy the ride in a 500,000$ motor home!)
So now that the first 2 weeks are done, 6000 or so km behind me......i think the real trip starts.....and to honest.....I'm a bit scared. The first two weeks, there was a loose plan.....i like plans....now its all open, random.....I've got an idea where i wasn't to go...Milwaukee, Chicago, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, DC, Boston, and back up into Canada.....but i find myself hesitant. But ill hit the road and make it work. That's the only way to do it i guess.
So.....having one of those days. I don't feel all that great, prob cus i haven't had a shower or worked out in a week or so...and I've been drinking for the last 2 days......not making excuses or complaining....i made my bed ill sleep in it.
Choices need to be made.....choices are being made....weather they are good or bad....i made the choice to booze it up and have fun...and that's ok....i have to be ok with that. But i feel guilty for doing it. I don't want to go back to 235lb Greg. Never again.
Being on the road....its hard on your body for sure.....once again...no excuses....just talking.....id love to go run every day, and work out and sweat.....but personal hygiene becomes a problem as well as laundry.....i can barley stand myself right now! Its stuff you don't think about at home. I have been looking for gyms....they are harder to find than you might think down here....drop in would prob be 10$...same as a shower at a truck stop....so its a better option, i can work out, have a shower and move on....maybe once i hit some bigger cities ill run into some.....So anyway....when i get the chance i do......but i just have to watch what i eat.....mostly cliff bars, chicken and G2.......and know that when i get home its going to be an up hill battle to get back what i have lost. Ive never really been to comfortable in my skin....even after losing 20 lbs..even knowing I'm a good runner....i still think i look like I'm 230lbs. I have to learn to be ok with me......and this is a battle that will rage on forever.
.........You may wonder why I'm spilling my guts on here and getting into my issues and putting them out there...my answer is......well...i don't know. I said to myself that anything i type can not be deleted...it must be posted........There is a great line from a Sara McLachlan song.....'we are screaming inside, but cant be heard' That's kinda how i feel right now. I guess this is my way of being heard......I want to scream and lash out....but i cant......there is so much uncertainty right now, work, relationships, life paths......will my van make it home (lol).
I love my freedom....i love that i can do what i want when i want to.....and everyone that has a job, family, house, kids, mortgage, car payment, responsibilities......wants to be where i am right now, stinky, hungover, feeling very gross sitting in a Starbucks in Green Bad WI......I'm happy I'm here....but i look fwd to getting my life back on track and moving fwd and having some responsibilities. Stability is nice. Everyone's life is different...and everyone wants different things in life.......everyone needs to be happy with where they are, what they are doing...don't be jealous of anyone....enjoy you and your situation and the ppl around you. At the end of the day....friends,family and your own happiness are all you have....don't take them for granted. I hope that friends and family reading this know how i feel bout all of them.
Ok..........im done for now........time to hit the road to Milwaukee and see whats down there.

Cheers